Paris

I couldn't tell you this before. I understand what a thing like that can be, can mean… and I didn't want to interfere (or, I did… desperately… god, you have no idea how much I wanted to… but I know well enough to know that I shouldn't… couldn't…). But, now that it's done…

Even now, I probably shouldn't say this, especially since I know… but… Everything about it was frightening to me. From mundane things, like me being my mother's child and wondering if you've even arrived safely (thank goodness for little green dots)… To stupid things like what, if anything, you would post about it… to the big and important things, like…

Was I going to lose you, before I even ever had you?

Before I ever got to taste those sweet lips of yours, or even just feel your hands in mine. Before either of us ever got to say those three words… really say them, out loud, not hidden behind innuendo or movie quotes.

Because it was possible, wasn't it? And some might even argue… correct. For the best. I have no business, some would say, even worrying about such a thing. I won't even argue the point. They're probably right. They are right.

Doesn't change a thing.

I am in love with you, wholly, completely, illogically. I don't think anything will ever change that.

Maybe I shouldn't have been so determined to do it “right”… as if there's a “right way”, for us. I think maybe I could have worn down your resolve, if I really tried, if I really wanted to. It would have been… less than what I want, but… At least we would have had Paris.

But, no. I couldn't do that to you.

If this is it… if you've found yourself falling back in love with him… If I was the furthest from your mind… If I have to let you go…

I will.

It won't mean I've stopped loving you. Just… I won't bother you. I won't go out of my way to put myself in your line of sight anymore. I'll keep the texts to business… or even turn that responsibility over to her. Whatever it is you need me to do, to let you heal in the way that you want… I will do.

And I'll know… it won't mean you've stopped loving me. I know love doesn't work like that. It would just mean… that it wasn't meant to be. Not for now.

Yours. Always.
♒️